KALAMAZOO, MI – Abhijeet Guruwala, 36, finally lost it after some ignoramus asked him if he ‘spoke Indian.’ The incident occurred in popular local bookstore Kazoo Books when Mr. Guruwala was looking for a gift for his mother.
“My mom’s birthday is this weekend,” explained Mr. Guruwala. “She and my dad obsessed with India. All the decorations in the house are from India, the whole nine yards. My dad even installed a squattable seat on the toilet, that’s how Indian they are. And my mom loves coffee table books about India since they’re perfect for thrusting in the hands of guests while she disappears into the kitchen to get tea or mithai. I figured it was an easy yet thoughtful gift.”
When Mr. Guruwala arrived at the Travel section, there was a twenty-something white man there inspecting a book.
“He was flipping through a copy of Lonely Planet: India,” continued Mr. Guruwalla. “He looked up and his eyes flashed with a Hey I think that guy’s an Indian look. He asked if I was Indian and we started chatting a bit. Turns out he was going backpacking in India to find himself and wanted to talk about himself as much as possible. You know, spiritual journey yada yada. I was ready to grab any random book and get the hell away from him when he asked me if I ‘spoke Indian’ – and I lost it.”
“The first thing out of my mouth was Do you speak American?! What about Belgian?! What about Chinese?!” said Mr. Guruwala. “And the guy didn’t get it. He started to say ‘But’ and I’m like, No buts! There are 30 languages in India spoken by more than 1 million people. Don’t ever ask that question again! Then I grabbed the biggest book on India and walked away.”
“Listen – I get that languages like French and German imply that languages and countries are related. And sayings like It’s Greek to me or It looks like Chinese imply that too. But it’s a really stupid-ass presumption when our own language here is English and not American. And I can guarantee he knew that Mexicans speak Spanish and not Mexican. Well, actually I’m not so sure about that, I really wouldn’t put it past him to get that wrong too. But damn did it feel good to yell at someone for asking that, just for once.”
According to our sources, the object of Mr. Guruwala’s ridicule has remained completely clueless.