NEW DELHI, India – As the one year anniversary of India’s failed pornban approaches, the government is again considering how to keep pornography from becoming a public nuisance. The latest proposal in this effort is to blind all Indian citizens with a hot poker.
Says Subramanian Swamy (BJP), “Pornography turns people into sex maniacs. These people will do anything to have sex and neither our women nor our cows will be safe. So last week I was watching Raiders of the Lost Ark and the bar scene in Nepal came on. And I wondered Is he going to poke her eyes out? Then I thought What if everyone had their eyes poked out? It just made a lot of sense.”
“If people can’t see, they can’t watch porn – it’s as simple as that,” continued Mr. Swamy. “This will make India better in so many ways. Arranged marriages will be much, much easier because the young people won’t be able to complain about the physical appearance of their potential mates. No one will be looking down at their mobile phone anymore so we will go back to communicating like human beings. And our roads will be much safer since no one will be driving anymore. It’s a complete win-win-win situation.”
When asked if this was fair to punish everyone in India for the actions of a few, Mr. Swamy was resolute: “This is not a punishment – this is for the betterment of India. It is an investment in our future. The world has become a terrible, debased place. Now the girls are running around half-naked here, not just in the West. And we will be more than fair because we will only use the same 1 poker to poke out everybody’s eyes. That way no one can complain that it was too big, too small, too hot or whatever.”
The Supreme Court, which recently asked the government to explore ways to ban pornography, is expected to support the measure.